The End: A Conversation Starter
It may strike you as a little grim, however, thoughts of death, dying and the experience of those left behind, are on my mind as of late. If you’re thinking I made a mistake, that this post is intended for my horror blog, rest assured, you are in the right place.
Over the past few months, life was turned upside down.
Three immediate family members passed away in a short amount of time. Once the shock abated, two things took over: the amount of energy (time and emotional strain) required to administer the enormous ‘to do’ list when someone passes away; and, the influx of questions from friends seeking to better understand how to navigate this topic within their own families.
“Write about it!” was a common refrain.
Easier said than done, as it turns out.
I have long conversations, answering as many questions as I can. I speak candidly about the transactional nature of the days immediately following my father’s passing. I can easily compare and contrast the options from experience (cremation or burial? service or no service? end-of-life planning or none? was death a taboo subject or not?) and tell you the implications on a grieving survivor. That’s fine for a conversation with a close friend.
How do I expand that into a useful post for yourself?
This is a BIG topic. The considerations are as plentiful as they are individual; too many to truly allow a succinct ‘10 Steps You Must Take Today!’, kind of post.
Is it important for people to understand their options, and plan for their death? Yes.
Know who doesn’t want to think about their death? People.
Despite how impactful planning ahead is for your friends & family, the biggest hurdle I face writing about death, is that most of you do not want to think about it. That makes it extremely challenging to explore the topic. This may be uncomfortable or even scary for you to consider, yet I am asking you to do so. If not for yourself, for those you will one day leave behind. In the hours and days immediately following a person’s passing, their inability to face the inevitable pours fuel on the flames of grief. No one, I repeat - no one - should have to guess about a loved one’s last wishes while suffering through loss.
About the Series
Throughout the rest of this series, I will share some of my personal experiences with loss and navigating the bureaucracy of death, as I present you with considerations on: What you leave behind (How to ease the discomfort of sifting through the papers, files and belongings of someone who has passed), The Division of Labour (How to reduce the time, money and technological challenges faced by those administering your wishes) and Socializing Your Wishes (How to talk to others and share your wishes).
What I cannot offer you, is a concise list of steps to take. Your region’s laws, taxation and funeral practices differ, and change over time. What I aim to offer, is a series of considerations, for you to check in with your own feelings and priorities regarding end-of-life planning.
As this topic is overwhelming for many, if you don’t mind, today we’ll keep the rest of this post succinct, and focus on you.
Outside of superstition, there are three main reasons people avoid talking about death. Let’s clear through these, and knock them down like bowling pins.
We are afraid to accept our own mortality. There is no other way to state this: you are going to die. There is no alternative. No miracle cure. No elixir of life. Striving for a healthier existence is the best you can do to try to extend your lifespan.
We are young and/or feel healthy. Death doesn’t care about age or health. It happens anytime, anywhere. The armour of invincibility we may feel at any given time is an illusion.
We believe estate planning only matters if you have financial wealth. There is more to planning for your passing than distributing assets. Money or no money, there is a lot of effort and stress placed on those left behind. Let’s make it easier for them.
Once you accept these facts, begrudgingly even, there are a few things I’d like you to contemplate. If you’d like to make note of your responses today, please do, as you may wish to reflect on your thoughts throughout the series.
Consider: What do YOU want?
There are many rituals surrounding death, often informed by religious or familial practices. Your family may also have strong feelings about the ceremonial aspects of death. I am asking you to think about what you want. Or don’t want. Both are equally important, when it comes to understanding your preferences.
Do you have strong feelings for, or against, burial or cremation? Don’t worry, you won’t be making any decisions yet. Just sit with your thoughts, and make note of any preferences you have for, or against, either option.
How do you feel about funerals? That’s a strange question. I mean, besides funeral directors and serial killers, is anyone “pro funeral”? Probably not, so think of it this way: Do you appreciate the concept of people you know coming together to mourn your loss or celebrate your life? Would you prefer something smaller, more private? Or perhaps, nothing at all? I realize for many people, these decisions may be predetermined by regional or cultural norms, however, I encourage you to really think about your own preferences at this time.
This last consideration may be the most uncomfortable one for you, so be kind to yourself if things get a bit emotional.
If you passed away today, who or what is your greatest concern? Make note of every thought that races through your brain. Do you have dependents that require care, financial or otherwise? Pets who might need a home? Aging parents for whom you are a caregiver? Financial concerns pop up here quite often. There is no incorrect response. I don’t care if you list a comic book collection and your two dozen houseplants as a concern.
They are your concerns and they are valid.
After sitting with these thoughts, take as long as you need, write down your preferences and concerns. These will be your guide when we dive into more granular questions, decisions and considerations surrounding end of life.
Don’t have strong preferences at this point? Make note of that too!
Does your list of concerns make you anxious? I’d say that makes you human. It is natural to feel fearful contemplating a world without you in it. My hope, once you reach the end of this short series, is that you will feel relief at knowing where to start to address your concerns, and reduce your anxiety.
Up next: What you leave behind. How to reduce the discomfort and stress for those you care about.
