8 Insights That Snuck Up On Me
Where does insight come from?
I’ve discovered it doesn’t occur where we always assume it will. Self-help books, wellness podcasts and inspirational speakers are the obvious sources we seek out for that flash of insight that shifts our perspective. They are also built entirely upon the premise that insight is going to occur, and if you don’t receive it, well, you are not open to receiving it. Basically, there is a lot of garbage you need to sift through to find the nuggets of wisdom from those sources; if you don’t find them insightful it’s all your fault.
Here, I want to share with you nuggets of wisdom that were injected right into my bloodstream by accident. Isn’t that the best discovery? When you are minding your own business, being entertained or a bit curious and then blammo! – insight hits you over the head with a ball peen hammer. Cushioned of course to soften the blow.
Of note: This isn’t a recommendation post. I’m highlighting specific passages, clips or references that inspired me from a variety of sources. For example, the entirety of the books I mention are not intended to be inspirational or life-changing in any way. Caveat the second, some of the sources may be problematic. Even better! To find some words of wisdom from someone you might otherwise disagree with is a gift.
Don’t Read Like You’re Still in School
Everyone I know who doesn’t read for pleasure can trace that back to their childhood. Either their parents didn’t encourage reading or the only source of reading they had was the books they had to read in school. Imagine if every time you picked up a book, it came with the expectation that you had to write a report on key plot points or an essay on existentialism. If that’s your association, it is no wonder you don’t read.
Lisa Bloom dedicates a section of her book to developing healthy reading habits. As an individual, as a couple and as a family. I didn’t think I would learn much as I am always in the company of a book. I was wrong. Turns out, I carried over a bad reading habit from my school days. Finishing every book, even the ones I did not enjoy. Lisa points out that there is no reason to waste time on books you don’t like.
There is only so much time and far too many books out there to spend time pushing through something that isn’t enjoyable. That is not the same as reading a book that challenges us. I read books from people I don’t care for, on topics that are difficult or even from time periods that make the language a bit of a battle (e.g. The Woman in White, or the original Dracula). Dedicating time to further yourself is positive. Forcing yourself to complete a book that is not working for you makes reading dull and takes time away from exploring tomes that excite your brain.
Never Forget What Got You Here
One anecdote that Nick shares about his phenomenal wife, Meghan Mullally, surrounds an afternoon taping for Letterman. Meghan was a guest on a whirlwind day of media for Will & Grace, and they were running ten minutes late by the time their car arrived at the stage door. Feeling the pressure, Nick rushed through the group of fans waiting for Meghan, opened the door for her and turned around to discover Meghan was no longer behind him. She was signing autographs, and speaking with the group of fans who waited to see her. After about two or three minutes, she joined him at the door and got into the elevator. Why wasn’t she racing past them to ensure her talk show appearance went off without issue? Nick recounts feeling frustrated and questioning why she risked being even later for her appearance. Her response?
“Darling, if it wasn’t for the fans on the sidewalk, and the fans in general, I wouldn’t be on Letterman in the first place.”
Love Her Wild or Leave Her There
Snippet from Viola Davis’ acceptance speech (Sherry Lansing Leadership Award, 2018)
“You can love her with everything that you have and she still won’t belong to you.”
Near the end of her 2018 acceptance speech for the Sherry Lansing Leadership Award, Viola Davis, the fierce, national freaking treasure who, in my opinion, doesn’t get the respect she deserves, channels a quote from Nikki Rowe.
To demonstrate her perspective on the whitewashing of the stories Hollywood gives us, presenting us with tame, safe stories and representations, she paints a contrasting vision of wildness. Reminding us that “fierce hearts don’t settle between walls”. My eyes tear up every single time I listen to this speech.
It makes me look back at all the people and partners in my life that wanted me to be someone else. Someone less than, so they could feel more than. The audience’s reaction to her words says it all. Some audience members respond as though they’ve been seen for the first time. Others look scared. Scared, because they know they benefit from being tame (or from being tamed). They benefit from staying within the boundaries, contained by storytellers who want to keep the status quo. Here’s to all the women who run with the wolves.
Resist Machine Drift
How much of your life is determined by machines? Before you jump to the automatic “none, I’m in control of my life” response, think about how many decisions we’ve turned over to algorithms.
Every decision we make, good or bad, informs future choices. They help us to learn our likes and dislikes. What will you watch after work tonight? A show or movie that you seek out with intention or one that is served to you as a recommendation? Look in your closet or your bathroom. Are the clothes and products there because you actively sought them after comparing them against others, or did they pop up in your social media feed? (I’m guilty of this) Do you travel places for your own enjoyment - or education, or do you travel places because they are Instagrammable? There is a very good reason TikTok is compared to an opium den these days. Nothing erases individual thought like a good algorithm. Ceding everyday decisions to algorithms may appear harmless until you realize that everything from the music you listen to; the meals you order to the political views you hold isn’t a personal choice. It is an acquiescence to the suggestions and prompts that follow your digital life. Decision-making is now an intentional act of rebellion. Sitting still with your own thoughts, getting to know your preferences and reigniting your curiosity are steps to reclaiming your individuality.
The Deathbed Test
Feeling conflicted over a tough decision in your life? If, like me, you are prone to overthinking, major decisions can be painful. Or not. Sometimes it is easy to nonchalantly make a decision that impacts the rest of your life because you don’t weigh the consequences appropriately.
Scott recounts the decision he made to walk away from a high-paying position at the start of his career to care for his ailing mother. On his deathbed, he knew which decision he would regret, so he quit and moved to be with her in her final years. Ask yourself, will you spend the last moments of your life wishing you paid your credit card off sooner or that you had spent more time with your family? Will you regret not spending more time at the office, working for someone else, or regret not taking an opportunity to pursue your own goals? There is no correct response to any of these questions. The regrets you might harbour on your deathbed are individual to you – another reason it is important to truly know yourself in the decision-making process. In the past few years, I’ve made a few important changes of significant consequence. At times, I scratch my head and wonder how these choices will play out. To an outsider looking in, it seems crazy to walk away from a good-paying union job. What I do know, is on my deathbed, I won’t regret putting my health, my friends, my family and my lifelong goal of writing ahead of being a cog in a machine that negatively affected my health. I only wish I’d done it sooner.
Fearless Storytelling
I’ve read dozens of autobiographies or autobiographical essay collections. Typically, they follow three templates.
Look at how awful I used to be, now I’m a better person
I’m a good person who always makes good decisions
Or let’s make fun of the dumb things I did.
Most of the essays from comic actors/comedians fall into the latter. Not Mindy.
After reading a few pages I consciously recall thinking how different her storytelling is. She doesn’t leverage self-deprecating stories simply for the joke. Nor for the pity party. The daughter of an obstetrician, she recounts alienating herself in the anti-vax corners of Hollywood celebrities; she describes enjoying make-out scenes (another Hollywood taboo, especially for females) and notes some of the most famous scenes from The Office that she was dead set against in the writer’s room. Had it been up to Mindy, there would never have been a cold open with Kevin dumping his chilli on the floor.
There is No Such Thing As Proper English
When I started grade school, we were reprimanded for using the word ain’t. There was a saying, “ain’t ain’t in the dictionary.” Except it was. And has been since 1778, or the mid-1800s, depending on the dictionary.
I recall the fear in the ‘90s about the rise of ebonics. There were actual news reports and fearmongering that English was being bastardized. Well, it turns out, no one speaks pure English. There is no such thing. The English language spoken today is shaped by war, population migration and geographic isolation. It is also shaped by typos and misunderstandings that change the spelling and meaning of words over time. British parliament and their courts were still issuing rulings in French as of 1362.
The bastion of ‘the Queen’s English’ was, in fact, a French-speaking enclave. Only the commoners spoke English, but you’d be hard-pressed to recognize it as such. Despite the fact that I read old books that use different words, phrases and sentence structures, I had not realized how much I internalized the concept of proper English until this book opened my eyes. English, like all languages, evolves.
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As mentioned at the start, I chose these insights not because I sought them out for inspiration. They were happy accidents that found me through other means. Usually entertainment. I’ll be sharing more in a few podcast episodes. For now, I’d like to leave you with a short quote from Kara Swisher. I’m uncertain if I heard it on her former podcast Sway, or either of her current ones, On or Pivot. Regardless of the source, it needs no context,
“You’re so poor, all you have is money.” – Kara Swisher
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