When People Disappoint You: Part 2
Part one of this essay looked at how we handle disappointment.
How we internalize and struggle with discomfort. I played it safe, purposefully framing the discussion on strangers – celebrities to be exact. I even spelled out the thought process I use to justify seemingly contradictory thoughts about two pop culture biggies from my childhood: Scooby-Doo and Michael Jackson. I mentioned we are messy, complex creatures when people let us down.
Our rationale is not very rational.
What I find striking, is how harsh we can be on a complete stranger, who owes us nothing in the way of good behaviour, and we give a pass for the same transgressions when it is someone we respect. Someone we know. Someone we look up to.
Mentorship Keynote, January 2020.
Mentorship is a concept I’ve championed for years. I mentor emerging leaders. I wrote about the benefits of mentoring and how to tiptoe into the role, for anyone seeking to become a mentor. It is not a one-size-fits-all process.
I’m passionate about this type of relationship because I know the benefits first-hand. Recognizing that women are over-mentored and under-championed, I also stress the difference and why it is imperative to move on when the relationship has served its purpose. Sometimes it develops into friendship. Sometimes, you won’t even realize the benefits until long after that person has ceased to be part of your professional life.
Among my mentors was a person whom I sought out with intention.
I was new to the organization and recognized a kinship immediately: they spoke candidly and pragmatically when I sought advice. I joke about the fact that I just kept booking meetings for us. Every two months or so, there would be a calendar invite that popped up in their inbox. Seemingly, for an issue our teams were facing, but the conversation quickly moved to the topic I really wanted perspective on. In those meetings, I was genuinely learning more about our organization. I was also asking for – and receiving, the advice and guidance I sought from a mentor. Finally, after about the fourth or fifth meeting, we laughed when addressing the elephant in the room,
“I guess I’m mentoring you now?”
“Yes, yes you are.”
It was a good relationship.
At no point did I feel like I was led astray; given bad advice or being set up for failure. We were open. We discussed the state of office politics, a necessary conversation for my position. At the time, I was a middle manager, who mostly worked with senior leaders and had a lot to learn about wielding influence in the company. My role often involved planting seeds with the right people so they could champion my ideas when I wasn’t in the room. My mentor assisted with all of this.
After about 2 years, I formally stopped the mentoring relationship. Through a series of promotions and organizational changes, I felt we now faced a conflict of interest which would prevent us from speaking openly and place us both in a difficult position.
To this day, I haven’t personally had a bad interaction with my mentor. It makes learning about their true nature more disappointing.
The first inkling I was given about the darker side of my mentor’s personality occurred after I had left the company. A former colleague of mine relayed over lunch their frustration. My colleague was the go-to person for strategic insight into the business. They had the ear of every senior leader when they spoke – including my mentor.
Prior to a strategic planning session with the bigwigs, they met to review some of the details my colleague had uncovered.
You can see where this going, right? Circumventing my colleague and presenting the insights as their own to appear more impressive to the bigwigs.
Total dick move.
But, truthfully, I recall mulling over the news and saying something along the lines of “Yeah, I could see them doing that.”
Was I disappointed by their behaviour? 100% Having said that, I knew my former mentor had their eyes on the C-suite. I witnessed enough backstabbing in corporate boardrooms to not be surprised. Even though they were generous with me, I did not doubt for a moment their intensely competitive drive could result in throwing someone under the bus to achieve their goals. That’s a sad commentary on office culture.
Still, it was shocking when I learned how manipulative they really were.
From my perspective, the worst behaviour in life is someone who abuses their authority. In any workplace, most employees do not fully understand their rights. Even when they do, it is challenging to stand up to senior leaders. Especially when they prey on someone experiencing difficulty.
Having successfully achieved the position they sought, my mentor used their stature to manipulate an employee who was particularly vulnerable. With no one else in the room, they pounced on the employee’s momentary weakness to extract personal information they had no right to.
They lied.
Stating in unequivocal terms, they said the employee would never again work for the company. They had the power to ensure this happened. And they would use it.
They raised their voice; berated and brought the employee to tears; humiliating them until they got what they wanted. Information that would be leveraged against other team members. Further abuse of power.
Hearing this, it was clear: the person who was a positive influence, someone whom I deeply respected, was a bully. No matter how much power they acquire, they’ll choose to use it to intimidate and manipulate. No matter how high they climb the corporate ladder, I’ll see them for who they really are.
The day a recruiter came calling on my team, I chose to be a mentor, not a manipulator
They are not a leader. They do not deserve anyone’s respect. Certainly not mine.
This behaviour is diametrically opposed to my values of leadership and how to support team members when they are feeling vulnerable. I coached my own team member on how to respond to a recruiter – a conversation that caught me off guard – yet at that moment, betraying their trust was the worst possible outcome I could imagine.
Even though I do not doubt the veracity of what transpired, I was not jumping to their defence - I still had to figure out how I felt about the fact someone I looked up to turned out to be a jerk.
What does it say about me and my choices?
It is here, internalizing our disappointment, that egos kick in. To protect us from an embarrassing reality, we might justify the person’s behaviour. To prevent the stain from spreading to us, we deny that it is true.
Someone we know could never have done that.
That’s how it starts. We build a moat in defence, centring ourselves in a story that isn’t ours, all to keep us safe from someone else’s misdeeds. Our thinking grows murky when the misdeeds are committed by someone we know personally.
In my case, thankfully the mentor relationship had already ended and I was elsewhere in my professional life. It is easy for me to look back at the relationship as purely transactional.
I regret I may have ever recommended them as a trusted advisor to others (unsure if I did, but it is a possibility). Had I stayed at the company, would my trust also be abused?
That’s the contradiction, I suppose. Personally feeling I benefitted from their support while recognizing the harm they caused others. Knowing this person, a bully is also a small part of my own success story.
As I said, it can be messy.
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